Diary ; 26 December 2015
hello, guys. it’s already 6pm and the sky is already blue and orange. i accompanied my mom to the gym today and now she is having a chat with her old friend in a café soooo yah they are talking about u know, job stuff.
this year christmas is kinda flat for me. no christmas tree, no presents (which is actually, i never get one in a lifetime), and the worst is no christmas wishes. just a church celebration and it wasn’t one on the christmas day but a week before christmas. honestly, i have known before the day, it would be -u know- ‘no christmas’ this year, mom is so busy with her job and she is working on her thesis these months but i’m okay with that it’s not like we usually ‘really’ celebrate christmas. yesterday (christmas day), what i did was say thanks to God for he was born for us at night before i went to sleep ,and that’s all.
i don’t know why i’m writing this. but u know, i think it’s natural for me as a man, i mean human to question the existence of God. it’s not like we can see Him. it’s so hard because i have so many non christian friends and the fact i live in Indonesia ( i think i don’t need to explain more hehe ), this is what i think about other religions (just my opinion pls don’t take this too personally), i don’t feel any you know like interested or i don’t know how to say it in words (feels make sense? feels like fit enough? idk) except Buddhism. i kinda believe and not believe in reincarnation and such things. thats one of the reasons why i sometimes start to doubt about my God.
i’m not a religious person but i believe in Him – every steps that i take, i always pray so He will help me (i know he always do) BUT then i remembered that Thomas himself felt the same (he didn’t believe Christ has risen before he actually saw Him) but after he saw Him, He said that (the conclusion) we should believe in Him, we should have faith in Him, besides the fact we haven’t seen Him right?
what we believe right now is just by faith, only faith. and every question againts God is always answered by faith. faith and always faith.
but in this almost 16 years of my life , when i prayed to God for things that (sometimes) seemed impossible to me, he answered my prayers. and when i saw the results, i was like “okay God, wow!”.and another thing is i always feel at ease whenever i listen to gospel songs especially hillsong hehe my favorite (the feelings are different than the feelings i got in a relaxing music or sad music or any korean dramas ost lol. the feelings that can’t be described)
so whenever i start to doubt Him, i remember what He did for me in this life other than the fact He died for us, and i be like i shouldn’t do this to Him and i just stop asking about it. because I believe He does exist. only by faith.
what do you think? – how to say it lol, please lighten me and correct me if you think i’m wrong